rantingteacher.co.uk

Teacher Clichés

I'd love to know the origins of the universal teacher phrases such as: "It's not my time you're wasting, it's yours". (And I haven't even got the headspace to think about the philosophical or Marxist implications of that sentence.) I assumed we'd be given a handy phrasebook at teacher training college, but unless I was away that day, we weren't issued with such a tome. Instead, they must be kept alive by folk memory, and if this is the case, they must be really ancient indeed. Maybe it was Socrates who first uttered the immortal line, "The bell is a signal for me, not for you".

I've tried to avoid them anyway, but sometimes they are just so appropriate. In fact, that very "bell" line tumbled from my lips recently, much to my chagrin. It was the first time I had ever said it, and I'm worried now, worried that I'm slowly morphing into some stereotype or even a gross caricature. After all, I do feel the urge to tell off any child messing about, whether in the school corridor or in the supermarket. And my eyes automatically narrow at anyone I see chewing gum, which was a rather embarrassing moment at Parents' Evening last year, as I just stopped myself in time from reprimanding a mother who was furiously chewing the cud.

I would like to know about the earliest uses of clichéd teacher phrases, and also compile a list here, so please send me any suggestions!

Here are some of the clichés I've been sent:

• "There should only be one person speaking at a time, and at the moment that person is ME!"
• "If you think you know this already - you come out the front and tell everybody and I'll sit down."
• Or (upon hearing some smart-arse comment): "Perhaps you'd like to say that again so that the whole class can hear."

• "You've got two ears and one mouth for a reason!" And for the kids that can't work this out... "So you can do twice as much listening as you do talking!"
• The reason for everything you ever ask them to do: "Because I said so!"
• I've only ever used this infrequently, but it is a classic when pupils' essays and homework fail to turn up time and time again and the excuses just keep on coming. "Write it down, stick it in an envelope and address it to last month, when I cared!"

• "You've embarrassed me, and you've embarrassed yourself." (Never fails to raise a smile.)
• "Grow up!" (Not likely.)
• "Did I ask you to comment? DID I?!" (Normally followed by a wise-ass comment from the pupil and subsequent ejection from the teaching premises.)
• Me: "Did I say talk?"
  Pupil: "No".
  Me: "No what?"
  Pupil: "No sir." (Nothing like exercising authority.)
• "Do that again and you'll be for the high jump, believe me." (What is this, 1955?)
• "You're behaving like animals!!" (They seem strangely proud when I say this.)
• Starting any rant with the word "RIGHT!!!" bellowed at the top of my voice. (It's a natural word to start a rant with. Always followed by a three or more second silence.)
• Repeating the word "Listen!!" twelve times in succession. (As if it did any good.)
• Slamming the door to get pupils' attention. (You can just hear them whispering "Stress!")
• "You've all done well today." (Said when they actually followed at least one instruction in the lesson.)
• "You've all done really well today!" (Said when at least five people completed the work set.)
• "You've all been brilliant today!" (Said when everyone completed the work set.)
• "You've all done well/done really well/been brilliant today, don't spoil it now!" (As above, but when they're a bit restless on the way out.)
• "It's no problem for me to keep you behind. I'm here all lunchtime." (Yes, but of course I want to have lunch too.)
• "Do you even know what that word means?" (You all know which words I'm talking about.)
• "I don't care who said it/did it, stop it NOW!" (The get-out clause from when you didn't actually see/hear who committed the transgression.)
• "If I hear the DJ button one more time there is going to be BIG trouble." (I think only Music teachers will appreciate this one.)
• "Get on with your work or get out." (Please get out. Please get out.)
• "Excuse me, do you mind if I interrupt you and do some teaching?"
• "It's your time you're wasting."
• "You. Out. Now."
• "Sit down and do your work for five minutes and we'll discuss letting you use the drum kit. Not before." (Again, another largely Music-centric one...)
• "I would like to make one thing perfectly clear..." (then proceed to list five rules.)
• "Do you want to join him/her?" (After someone has been thrown out.)

• "Which part of that sentence don't you understand?"
• "If you waste my time I'll waste yours."

Some more additions

Going back to school this September (2003) obviously stirred up lots of those well-worn clichés, and a discussion on the topic was started at the TES Staffroom website. I've reprinted some of contributions here, in my ongoing search for the definitive list of clichés. If you prefer not to have your contribution immortalised here, or you have some more phrases to add, then please contact me. I look forward to hearing from you!

• "I'm not going to say this again... " (Oh yes ? Who am I kidding?)

• Pupil: "But (s)he's annoying me Miss!!"
  Teacher: "Well, you're annoying me so I suggest you ignore what's going on around you, and concentrate on your own work!" (Yes, I realise I'm probably not supposed to say this, in the same way that I'm supposed to say "be quiet" rather than "shut up" and the way that I'm not supposed to put too much red ink in any one book!!)
• "That isn't really the point, IS it?!"
• "I don't care who was doing what... it was you that I saw!"
• "Oh, so you can listen to me and talk at the same time can you? How clever!"
• "If you're not listening, you're not going to understand what you're supposed to be doing, are you?"
• "Sorry ***, ***** is being very rude and not listening..."

• "Well done to those (1%) in the class who know how to follow instructions."
• "I am WAITING."
• "Did I ask for your opinion?"
• "Are you his solicitor?"
• "Some people in here are letting the rest of the class down. (You know who you are!)"
• "I SAID turn around/silence/put your pens down/listen." (Repeat times 100!)

• "That wasn't very sensible now was it?"

• "You don't need to know how long till playtime/lunchtime/hometime."
• "It doesn't matter who started it, I'm stopping it!" (- complete with menacing eyeball action.)
• "Scissors are for cutting paper... not your hair or other people's."
• "Please don't shout out." (x infinity)
• "Well don't look at him/her then...."
• "Please (insert name of your choice) take your finger out of there."

• "Was I talking to myself just now?"
• "It's a good job I didn't forget to prepare this lesson for you, isn't it?" (Offered when homework is unforthcoming.)
• "If you can't sit down/shut up/leave X alone/stop eating/stop drinking/turn off your mobile then there will be no practical today." (Science teacher's special.)
• "Well done those of you who remembered that stools are for bottoms and bunsen burners are not light sabres."
• Another Science special: "PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN CAREFULLY AND STEP AWAY, WAYNE!"
• In a muttered undertone - "I'd get a more intelligent response from a brick wall, and it would probably be better looking too!"
• And the clincher: "I'll just wait until you've finished your very important conversations, shall I?"

And still they come...

...and the more I read, the more they find their way into my everyday classroom use - handy chunks of verbal weaponry!

• "I can't mark your work if it's at home - unless you'd care to give me your address."
• "There should be 4 legs and 2 feet on the floor" (for the chair-swingers - you all know what I mean).
• "Do you work for Pickfords?" (followed by complex explanation on furniture removal).
• "There's someone in this class who doesn't understand the concept of 'quiet'." (Actually there are probably 31 of them.........)
• "Which part of 'No' do you not understand?"

updated 26/10/03

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