So there I was, in Edinburgh, giddy at the prospect of pub opening hours sympathetic to
the teacher-on-holiday whilst intellectually pacified by the knowledge that there was
educational stuff going on everywhere, from the outdoor Macbeth I could just about see
from my window (for free!) to the architectural wonders of the Museum of Scotland (also
free!). As I sat with a drink, flicking through the pages of guides and flyers that had
been thrust into my hands on the hundred yard dash from residence to pub door, I started
to feel a bit overwhelmed. So many plays! So many venues! So many comedians and musicals
and starting times and conflicting reviews!
But then something caught my eye which settled my first decision of what to go and see that day: something called OFSTED! – the musical. How could I resist? On my way to buy tickets, I was accosted by one of the many performers advertising their shows in the Royal Mile. He was holding a blackboard to advertise a show called Primary Scream. Do I look like a teacher or something? His show started in not so many minutes, so off I duly trotted to the venue, buying my tickets for OFSTED! – the musical on my way. It’s lucky I retained some foresight at this stage, because the show was sold out a little while later, and rumours of a scuffle in the queue when somebody announced they had a spare ticket are greatly exaggerated, I can assure you.
So, two plays with musical numbers. Both about school inspections. Both sets featuring a door as just about their only scenery and prop – the metaphorical implications of that I’ll ignore. Both with a cast of at least half a dozen, and, judging by my fellow spectators, an audience of teachers of holiday. Is there room for two similarly themed productions in one festival? Let’s deal with this chronologically.
Travel weary and sloshy of stomach, I stood obediently waiting to take my seat for
Primary Scream. All I knew was what the flyer had told me: Take a chalk on the wild side!
Insanity prevails in this farcical musical romp of sex, greed, conspiracy and mortal
danger. What shocking things will the inspectors find when they visit Longfleet Primary?
They were right about the farcical side of it. I took my place amongst a half-full audience, some of whom would swivel round with a disapproving look on their faces if somebody behind made a noise, and was swiftly confronted by a cavalcade of poor acting, very pregnant pauses, predictable plot twists, ideas that petered out before they really got started, and a disappointing story line that culminated in lots of 70s sit-com set pieces of teachers snogging in the stock cupboard.
I don’t know who the Slimmed Down Drama Production Company are, but if they are teachers in real life then they shouldn’t give up the day jobs. I imagine that a bunch of them got together in the pub one Friday after school and came up with the idea for this play, and like all drunken ideas it sounded fantastic. Yes, the stereotypes would be there: the headmistress with her frightfully posh accent who had dedicated herself to the school (even if the actress did look about 20 and also doubled up as a bikini-clad dancer); the frightfully posh chair of governors who plotted to abscond with money from the sale of playing fields; the frightfully posh chief inspector who could at least pull a range of funny faces. For variety, I’m pleased to report that not everybody had a frightfully posh accent.
The Friday night pub teachers must have also imagined their play would merely mention
the naughtiest boy in school, identified by an amusing name, to raise laughs; they chose
the name Arsenal Peachy. But like most ideas conceived in the pub, when they sobered up
they couldn’t remember exactly why it was they found it funny, and this is the way I felt
as I left the venue. In fact, I went one further than that, and can claim not to have
found much of it funny at all. Perhaps with a tighter performance from all concerned,
some decent acting and singing, some inspired lyrics and original ideas, it might have
fared a bit better in my opinion. I was amused by the very polite audience though, who
clapped after every song just like they were encouraging their own pupils, despite finding
it difficult to even raise a titter.
After that disappointment, I was very cautious as I lined up for my seat at OFSTED! – the musical. The group of three twenty-somethings in front of me looked apprehensive too, as one whispered, “Oh God! Everyone here looks like a teacher!” It took place in a larger venue, and every seat was taken. We were handed a programme, so at least I’m a bit more informed here and can tell you that this production was by the Z Theatre Company, a group of students from the University of Hull. I’m not sure if the writer, David Byrne, is also a student, but if he is then he has done his research extremely well indeed and deserves first class honours right now. This production was everything that the first one wasn’t: witty, relevant, well-acted, imaginative, and contained songs that were all of the above too.
They even dared to do something the first production lacked, and include a couple of
parts to show the pupils, which is surely the point, really. Gather together a group of
people who work in one place and you get a run-of-the-mill sit-com, especially if you
portray the workers as barely two-dimensional. See how those teachers react to the pupils
they’re supposed to be nurturing and you find the comedy: it works for Channel 4’s series
Teachers, and a comparison of these two Edinburgh productions shows that it’s essential
for success. Along with the afore-mentioned witty script and decent acting of course!
The Z Theatre Company can’t seem to settle on a tag-line for their play, but their flyer claims it to be: Death, Deceit and Deception, It’s just your average school inspection! An added attraction on their website is the OFSTED inspector voodoo doll. I’d love to see this production again, if only to learn the song about there being only one f in OFSTED, but even that’s too much. Maybe with the combined power of all of you reading out there, we could come up with the ultimate musical-based-on-a-school-inspection and tread the boards ourselves next year.
added 15/8/04
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