I found these messages on the TES discussion boards,
and so amused was I that I thought I
would shamelessly copy them here - so well done to the anonymous posters of the messages
there! It's also good to know that cynicism is not dead and buried yet (groooaaaan...).
Dear Teaching Colleagues, I had this rather nice letter the other day - it may interest some of you.
Dear Teacher,
May I introduce myself. My name is Peter Getemburied and I am the promotions officer for the good old Coop funeral directors. The recent announcement that the teacher’s retirement age will rise to 65 has obviously been of great concern to many of you. You may rest assured that here at the Coop you will be treated with the greatest dignity and respect should the worst happen while you are at work.
In order to avoid generating interest, if not outright jubilation amongst pupils on seeing a traditional black hearse arriving in your school playground, we have converted a white van with the logo ‘Wright Rite - School Stationery Suppliers’ on the side. This will pull up at a discrete side entrance and a coffin carefully camouflaged as a somewhat elongated pack of A4 lined paper will be brought in on a sack barrow. Members of the maths and science department have, by prior notification, the option of a graph paper design while art teachers can have their coffins cunningly disguised as a batch of sugar paper - various colours are available. On the way to the Chapel of Rest recordings of speeches made by some of our great Secretaries of State for Education: Kenneth Baker, John Patten and Estelle Morris, will be played over the onboard sound system. In keeping with your vocation, the Chapel of Rest has been styled on an education theme so that you may spend your time before committal in a familiar environment. Hence the flaking paint, discarded crisp packets, graffiti and leaking roof.
For the memorial service we are able to provide clergy well-versed in paying tribute
to the world’s most noble profession with sermons entitled ‘What would children do without
teachers - who would they assault and abuse?’ ‘The nation pays tribute to our teachers -
it’s wonderful to have someone to blame for all of society’s ills.’ In addition, we have a
wide selection of hymns including, ‘We give great thanks to thee O Lord now that Friday
cometh’, ‘O give me strength to face the hordes of wrath, despair and tumult.’ and perhaps
our most requested, ‘ Lord let me rest in thy blest peace now that the marking’s o’er.’
And finally, a most popular tribute, once you have been lowered into the grave, the finest quality, dried manure (odour free and non-staining) is thrown on your coffin by the gathered mourners. Having endured a career where you have been s**t on at every opportunity by all and sundry it is only fitting that this act should mark your departure from the mortal realm. Should you wish cremation then you can nominate a colleague or pupil to flick his/her fag end into the oven to light the gas.
Yours faithfully,
Peter Getemburied
Promotions Officer.
Stop teachers - don’t do a thing yet. Before you commit yourself to the Co-op why not
find out about the career extension plans of one of the companies I have shares with -
Everbore Embalmers? Rather than officially notify the school authorities of your death in
service why not arrange for a trusted colleague to notify us in the event of your demise
and we will be able to arrange a secret overnight visit, embalm you and mount you in an
appropriate teaching stance. With a recording of your voice played through hidden speakers
and running on a time switch it will be possible to fool the SMT and pupils that effective
teaching is still taking place for months, if not years to come. A pre-recorded tape of
your common classroom sayings and phrases such as, ‘Shut up and get on with your work you
lazy b*****ds’ or ‘Get your finger out of your a**e and do something you festering pile of
s***e.’ is requested to be lodged with us when you register.
The advantages of embalming over disposal are manifold - SMT will observe you in your classroom first thing in the morning and last thing at night and right throughout the holidays and note your loyalty and dedication (no pun intended). You will never have a day off sick again and you may still progress on the upper pay spine! Many of our previous clients have successfully carried on for many years in an embalmed state while their family has benefited from the continuing payment of salary and enhanced pension rights. However, it may be tricky to explain why you never attend staff meetings and continually miss your dining room duty but these are not insurmountable obstacles.
Everbore Embalmers offers a full maintenance and aftercare service with your body being given regular top-ups of embalming fluid to keep it in good condition. The valve is usually placed in the back passage, however, for members of SMT used to talking through this orifice other entry points can be considered. Weekly maintenance includes a good dust and polish while your clothes will be changed termly. Any visible decay will be excised and repaired with Polyfiller; a dab of make-up and no one will be any the wiser.
Embalm - you know it makes sense!
Frankly, I’m rather disappointed. So the Coop can provide coffins in A4 lined style,
graph paper style and art paper style. But what about us geographers? Did nobody consider
our feelings? Geography isn’t all about writng - we have lovely maps to colour in. In
fact geography is colouring in! I urge the Coop to extend their range to include a nice
atlas themed coffin with lots pictures of countries left in black and white thus allowing
one’s children to do some colouring as they ride with the coffin to the funeral.
A handy little compartment could be designed in the coffin to contain crayons, felt tips
etc.
I also find Everbore Embalmers claims a little far-fetched and quite frankly ludicrous. While I’m quite happy with the notion that an embalmed teacher may be quite an effective classroom practitioner, the idea that they may still progress on the upper pay spine is absurd. Everyone knows that when the government work out how much the scheme will cost if all teachers eventually reach the top of the scale then everybody will grind to a halt on point 2 or 3.
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