I’ve had an idea that I thought I’d share with you, in the spirit of Christmas. Last week I read in the paper that one of Britney Spears’ old teachers is selling off a book report she wrote when she was at school, and that it was expected to go for a very large amount of money. (The words “for charity” were tacked on the end, but I’m sure we all know what that really means.)
So my idea is to save the work of every student I teach, in the hope that one of
them grows up to become famous and I can earn enough from a sleazy deal on Ebay to
retire before the age of 75. It’s always the unlikely ones that turn out to be
raunchy popstars, isn’t it? Those stage school brats never really get beyond the
cheese spread adverts. So I’m going to clear out my stock cupboard in the new year,
turf out the boxes of resources that may come in useful if the curriculum undergoes
a radical upheaval in the near future (which will guarantee an upheaval – sorry,
folks, my fault) and start hoarding pieces of work by each and every pupil. I might
have to ensure that not only do they sign their names on the work, but also leave
fingerprints that can be scientifically verified.
You may mock, but stranger things have happened. Reading that bastion of British
journalism, The Sun, this week, I was shocked by the accusations made by the latest
winner of the “get your tits out for page 3” competition. The headline of her
interview was that her teacher told her she’d never be a page 3 girl! On closer
reading it turns out that she had told her art teacher her ambitions, only to be told
her knockers weren’t big enough. Now, the mind does boggle. Firstly, what kind of
art lesson ends up with the teacher commenting on a student’s breasts? Not the Ofsted
approved kind, I’m sure. Secondly, how does the art teacher know how large a girl’s
breasts have to be to appear on page 3 of The Sun? I realise that a lot of art is
naked wenches, but does that make art teachers experts in that field? Thirdly is the
saddest realisation I felt. At the age of 18, this girl has done what others take
many years to do: she has proven her teachers wrong, defied the odds to fulfil her
dream, and been able to turn around, ample chest freed from the restraints of bras
or vests, and say, “I told you I’d become a page 3 girl”. A whole future of film
premieres, dirty letches, footballer boyfriends and freezing photo shoots awaits
her for the next year or so. Her art teacher may have been trying to release her
potential as a sculptor or sketcher, but she sure showed that old gasbag! Learn from
this worthy example, kids.
So anyway, back to my original fantastic idea. If only Ms Page 3’s teacher had
kept some of her etchings, he or she would be quids in this Christmas! You can
join in my plan, which I’ll administer, for a small one-off charge, plus commission
if the kid’s work sells. You email me your class register with a note next to it
of what work you have, eg “book report” or “self-portrait”. I’ll keep it on file,
and alert you if any of your protégés are featured in “Heat” magazine, and then
arrange the “charity” (hmmm) auction of the piece of work. How can such a plan
fail? Get in touch at the usual address…!
added 1/1/05
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