Once you have been teaching for a while, you are entitled to something which only belongs to the older, more cynical and brow-beaten of teachers: the snort. The snort is your way of being subversive without having to proffer an opinion or contrary viewpoint to what has happened or what is being said. It’s a comment on any kind of change, any observation by a colleague which you see as glaringly obvious, or your response to a suggestion fanned in your general direction.
For example:
Deputy Head in charge of (a) the pastoral curriculum and (b) shouting very loudly at errant pupils: This
year we’ve decided to revamp the merit scheme to encourage better behaviour.
Experienced teachers: Snort.
Super-keen power-dressing Head of Department: The new curriculum comes in next year, which means we’ll be
updating our schemes of work over the next few months.
Experienced teacher: Snort.
NQT on the verge of a nervous breakdown and seeking some sort of support: It’s just that I feel… I feel, I
dunno, such a fraud, standing in front of them all, pretending I know so much…
Experienced teacher: Snort.
Head of Year of naughty child you have reported for swearing at you as per the school’s incident procedures:
Don’t worry, we will be taking this matter very seriously and talking to the boy’s parents.
Experienced teacher: Snort.
Head Teacher: So this term each pupil not currently on target to achieve 5 grade A to Cs will be allocated a
mentor, and we have chosen you to mentor 5 of the pupils.
Experienced teacher: Snort.
LSA who works one-on-one with a pupil in your class: I really don’t think she understood that part of your
lesson. Perhaps you could go through it again next lesson in a way that appeals to her specific learning needs.
Experienced teacher: Snort.
Year 9 pupil who hasn’t done his homework for the 10th consecutive week: And what I just need to do is to
print it out, but our printer’s run out of ink, and my Dad’s getting a new cartridge tonight, and I tried
putting it on a memory stick to print out here but it was corrupted, and I’ve got a note here from my Dad
all about it.
Experienced teacher: Snort.
Headteacher: We've had a few complaints about your attitude, Teacher. It seems rather lacklustre...
Experienced teacher: Snort.
As some boy band once crooned: “You say it best, when you say nothing at all.”
added 25/02/07
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