Sometimes it's hard to be a pupil, we're all aware of that. One of the worst trials is surely the test of the sports teams-picking. It can be such a trauma for some children that it's almost a cliché: the skinny kids, the fat kids, the asthmatic kids, the shy kids, huddled together in their ill-fitting shorts and shirts, waiting to be chosen for a side by the lithe-of-limb and sporty-in-heart team captain.
By the time we're grown up such ordeals are, thankfully, only rarely encountered. That's not to say that even as teachers we never endure such trials. From the interview stages for jobs, when the existing team of teachers - and at times, pupils - decide which of the shivering and shaking applicants should join their team, to the triumph of being chosen to go on the all- expenses paid beano of the school ski trip or study exchange to somewhere exotic, the sports team-picking process can prepare most children for the disappointments, struggles and successes of adult life.
But that's not really what I wanted this page to be about. The inspiration for this piece comes from the endless gloating of PE teachers in staff meetings. Let me explain.
Say you teach a subject other than PE. You work hard, you've got books to mark, steamy
classrooms on wet days, smelly classroooms on hot days, magic to perform with a broken
stick of chalk and a scratched blackboard. Sometimes you might glance out of the window and
see hoardes of children pounding the running track, with one track-suited figure loitering
about with a stop-watch. Or, on your free lesson, you might pass the changing rooms and observe
that even though lessons started 15 minutes ago, the PE lessons are still in the spraying
deodorant and removing earrings stages.
Now I'm not saying that PE teachers have it easy. Having covered PE lessons before, I'm
aware of how stressful it can be to deal with lost kit, forged notes, thefts from the
changing rooms, smelly feet, shenanigans in the showers, and all the other hassles before
the kids are even out on the playing fields. I would hardly deny them the pleasures of next
to no marking (in comparison - I know some PE teachers have lots of GCSE and AS work to plough
through) because when I'm making the most of my lunch hour by putting up wall displays,
planning, marking, etc, I know that the PE teacher is stoically coaching the football or
hockey team, or setting up hurdles, or taking over-excited youngsters to play against another
school team.
But come on, let's be honest here. It's not the hardest job in the world, is it? Whatever recruitment crises the profession is currently undergoing, PE is hardly a shortage subject. Time and time again, courses to train as PE teachers are oversubscribed, and I'm sure I've read reports that potential PE candidates always have shiny qualifications in a broad range of subjects and could have their pick of jobs, but choose to use their expertise to get kids fit.
Here is the crux of what really pisses me off. It's staff meeting time. Or school assembly.
Whatever you've done in the past week, and whatever subject you teach, there have been
some successes. Maybe one of your pupils finally completed their coursework. Maybe one class
finally understood something just as you were beginning to despair. Maybe one child
managed not to shout out for the whole lesson. But hang on, what's that the headteacher is
saying? Well done to the rugby team, even though they lost their third match in a row? Let's
have the netball team up here on the stage for a round of applause for thrashing the school
in special measures down the road? And you - you in the fifth row - why aren't you applauding
loudly?
Yep, this is what really gets my goat. Although I am actually a firm believer in phrases like "a healthy mind in a healthy body", I hate feeling like a traitor to the "school team" for not giving a stuff that our rounders team played in some semi-final somewhere. I certainly don't waste time laying awake at night wondering how the gym team did in the local competition. And why should I applaud like a deranged sea-lion when the oafs in the football team, who constantly miss my lessons for matches or training, score a few more goals than the other team? And woe betide the next PE teacher who announces in our staff meeting that their team won this or that, and then looks round the gathered staff for their praise and admiration. I'm not even interested! Although I could demonstrate my own physical dexterity in a deft punch to their gloating chops.
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