These tips are designed to make your teaching life much easier, and if you have any of your own, please send them to me so that we may all share in an easier life!
When you have some half-arsed attempts at pieces of homework that are, on first glance, so unbearably bad that you know you will question your calling as a teacher, put them in a folder marked "Urgent", and then bury it under some of the similarly marked piles on your desk. If the more conscientious pupils ask for their homework back, just tell them that it won't be marked until you have had everybody's work in. This is the teaching equivalent of the search for the holy grail. When you finally discover the folder again, either the work is so out of date it's irrelevant and can be chucked out straight away, or it will belong to a class you had last year, and so can be chucked out straight away.
This is something I overheard in a staffroom, and I must admit I haven't yet tried it out. When you have inspectors in your classroom, train the children beforehand in this little technique. A question to the class should have one of two reactions. Firstly, a raised right hand means that they know the answer. Secondly, a raised left hand means that they don't know the answer. Result: a sea of raised hands to every question posed to the class. The only problem I can forsee is with those bright sparks who need help distinguishing between left and right. Or you could just do what some of the dullard teachers in one school I taught in did, which was to deliver a lesson in front of the inspectors that they had already taught the week beforehand, which ensured the kids knew what they were doing.
For weeks before parents' evening, inform various children who slightly or grossly misbehave that you can't wait to see their parents. Perhaps even pocket some of the more daring notes they pass around class and tell them that their parents would love to see the work they produce in lessons. Come the evening itself, watch smugly as your charges guide their parents away from your table, then nip home early.
Again, this is not a tip I've personally tried out (yet), but it worked for one teacher I used to work with, and you never know when you may need to use this drastic last resort. I believe it can only be used once in a career, so choose your moment wisely. If you ever have a pupil that really is the devil incarnate, whatever form he or she takes, and are at your wits' end because of lack of support from senior management and the governing body, here is what you can do. Next time you take in their book for marking, look carefully at the scrawl they use as handwriting, and perhaps practise their particular loops and scratches. Then, at a convenient point in the exercise book, and in a similar scrawl, write "Mr/s (your name) is a f***ing c**t". If that doesn't shake up the vicar on the governing body and get your unruly pupil removed pronto, you might as well start your search for another job.
Thanks to ElaineC for this tip that she inherited from a colleague!
A method for removing the irritating kid from your lesson without getting SMT involved. Have a brown envelope containing a blank piece of paper inside it ready at all times. Write the name of several teachers on the front (you need to discuss this with the said colleagues beforehand so you can all get a break when you need it). Give the envelope to the irritating kid and tell him to take it to each of the teachers named on the front and ask them to tick their name when they've read it.
When your colleagues receive this missive they will understand the need to delay this child for as long as possible so will do things like say, "Wait there a minute. I haven't time to read it just yet." After at least 5 and at best 10 minutes has elapsed the teacher "reads" the contents of the envelope, returns it, ticks his/her name and the kid goes on to the next member of staff.
Three useful tips from Yorkshire Teacher!
Tips for surviving the dreaded parent's evenings;
1. If the kids haven't made appointments, there is always the horror of the child who sits down with their parents and you think, who the bloody hell is that?! You know that she is in that top set year 8 that you see once a week on a Friday afternoon but what's her name? Easy answer - lay out all the folders or books and say to the kid, "Just go and get your work off the table over there to show your mum and dad". Bingo! You know the name of the child! And the parents think you are really well-organised.
2. Start off with, "Well, Jonny, how do you think you have done this year?" It gives you a minute to think what you are going to say and the parents think that you value what the child thinks!
3. If you go for a beer before the event starts, bring a clove of garlic with you! Not even booze can break through the smell of garlic. You don't want the middle class lot complaining to the Head that, "Ms So and so smells of drink."
© Copyright laws apply to the contents of this website. 2003